Cooking up something good

So it’s been a really long time since I have written anything to anyone, but I’m back…for the moment. It’s been a long year since I’ve written anything on here. I have changed as a person. I’ve felt many things and most of them have been successes. Thank you to anyone who still wants to follow my blogs. I’ll be more faithful to give you something to read. 

So here’s what I’ve been up to: 

I have been working for the same bank for a long time now. I was at a location that gave me more challenges and emotional distress than I care to remember. I had to literally drag myself out of bed to even go to work. The good news is in May I made a transfer to a different location. This has proved to inject my work life with a little more life. I work with a great group of people. It’s in the Northern part of NE Portland, which has shown to fit my tastes rather well. I enjoy the people that come in, mostly. I work with some pretty talented and funny people. 

It’s begged the question though, what’s next? I don’t know. I have been with the bank a while and I’m beginning to have doubts about the level of involvement I want to have in this industry. Publicly I’ll still push it and rep the bank. If asked to move higher within the company I’ll still say yes. The benefits have been great and the bank itself is a solid place to have as your employer. They have been good to me. On the inside, I wonder if money and finances is really my forte. I know I have other passions and pursuits. I’ve put them off telling myself this is as good as I could ask for. As a result I know I’ve been missing out on the adventures outside high finance. 

Ok, so not that you want to be hearing about me a lot, but I have to get it off my chest. I find it ironic because I feel uncomfortable talking about me in public. So forgive me. 

I have something in mind as to what I would like to be doing if I weren’t with the bank. I want to keep in under wrap for the moment because I tend to speak before I act, and in this case, I’d rather act then speak. I can say that going back to school and finishing will need to happen in order to do that. 

Finishing school has been the one constant nag in the back of my mind. I know it needs to be done. I’m realizing I’m late in the game but I’m also realizing the cultural shift in that I’m not alone. More people are returning back to school now than I can remember before. Someone said that the average age of undergrad students (most likely in a Community College) is 28. So I’m a little ahead of that. I know if I wait too much longer it is a real possibility I would be well in my 30’s before I even finish my undergrad  education. That to me is unacceptable. 

Moving on:

I have the amazing opportunity to move into a house in Gresham, OR. This won’t happen for a few weeks, but this will hopefully spark a new chapter in the layers that are known as my life. I look forward to the change in location as much for the different physical presence as well as for the stability of calling a place my own for the time being. 

What’s on my mind:

I’m tired of being stuck in the transitional stages of life. I’m tired of talking about the big changes, such as moving and school and knowing what I want to do “When I grow up”. I’m tired of being unable to move past those stages in a way I feel good about. This is why I’m taking a more proactive approach and hopefully one backed up by my words rather than using my words to hope for action. Emotionally and Spiritually and even Mentally I feel growth beyond the physical limitations I find myself in. It’s time I work on bringing that up to pace as well. 

Thanks for your prayers. I never want to be someone that comes across as unmotivated or lost without direction, but that’s what I’ve become. May my prayers be for freedom rather than inconsistency. May my prayers be for passion rather than direction. May my prayers be for life rather than limitations. I’m better than that. It’s about time I really start believing that. 

Thanks for listening.

The Reality of a Dream

Quick background: So I was laying in one of my favorite sofa’s in my house and I was watching a basketball game tonight. It wasn’t anything out of the normal. I got really tired, which came from a long week of work and probably the warmth of the house. I fell asleep no matter how hard I tired to stay away. It was pretty funny I would imagine if someone were trying to watch me. Slightly upset that I wasn’t awake to see the end of the game but that has no relevance now. I slept so hard I even had some dreams play through my mind as I slept.  This was different though.

I’m asking you the reader if you ever have this moment I am having right now? It was a dream that literally couldn’t happen, but the significance of it really hit hard. I don’t want to go into the details of the dream as much as I want to talk about the result and emotion I have afterwards. It was one of those dreams that felt so real though. You wake up you really see that there was value in that dream.

Another quick background: I have been struggling with being numb to family. I don’t mean in that I don’t want anything to do with you kind if way, but rather in that I put up with you, and what goes on I couldn’t care less if I had to. It’s a feeling of taking for granted what you have as well. 

So what the heck am I talking about? Well let me get to the heart of what I’m trying to say. I had a dream that freaked me out a little. I’m not going to lie it was the dream you wake up from and you either go “wow that was crazy” or “wow, that’s huge”. It made me really realize that family isn’t a group we call relatives but it’s individuals who equally have a significant value. Their is emotion there when you talk about each person in the family. Some we get along better with than others and others we look at the history we had with them more than the person they are today.  Now I know each of us feels different about family but for me as I get older I realize how much impact I have on them as well as the impact they have on me. 

So here is my flaw. I’m living at home right now with my family. It’s a humbling position to be in at 24 yrs. old. It’s necessary but it is difficult not having my own space to be me sometimes. I can get a little numb. I don’t always accept the love being given to me from them. I’m so grateful to be in a family that loves strongly and I’m also use to the fact that we fight strongly too sometimes. This flaw is the fact that I am looking at the family as a unit not as valued individuals who have given so much to and for each other. I generalize them. It’s so easy to put on a face but when it comes down to it I fall short in expressing in genuine ways that I care and love them. 

This dream threatened  to take away an individual in my family and that person gave it up willingly even though they knew the person taking their life was not reasoning clearly. The nasty horrible part is that I was the one that was the perpetrator. I’m not trying to say I got it out for an individual in my family, quite the opposite actually. I would give anything for them. But the impact was that this person gave up their life at my expense and at the end of the dream it hit that they weren’t fighting back. They did so by choice. 

So lets expand this a bit….I have been struggling with another family. I talk trash about them behind their back because I’m annoyed with them. (This part isn’t in my dream, just that the implication is the same as I thought about this further) I love this family but I don’t relate to them very well at times. They talk about and do stuff that I have no experiences in. They seem a little outdated at times and I pass it off as it’s just them. So lets stop here for a sec. What I just did is I took away something so that I didn’t have to deal with them emotionally. I devalued them and what they say. I put a wall up and said sure whatever. 

Here’s the horrible part…this second family I’m talking about is commonly known as the church. I was called out on this by my friend and an article he found. I strongly suggest reading it. The link is 

http://www.catalystspace.com/content/read/article_kary_oberbrunner/

Anyways, to tie these together it’s pretty simple. My dream hit home when I realized someone cared enough to give everything up despite my ignorance or blatant disregard. I realized how valuable that person was and that I don’t show them enough how much I value them. I got to thinking about the individuals that make up the family and not the label of family. Same thing goes for the church. Once I begin looking at the individuals that make up the church and see the value they have as people, I begin to see more clearly the impact that we can have, not just on each other, but as others look at us. 

And that figure who gave up everything willingly can be a metaphor for Christ but it’s a challenge to us as well. We could try to be right, but sometimes a sacrifice of all we are for that person speaks louder than proving who is right by force. If we see each other as all valued individuals who make up the family (or church), and not as a label, I hope the impact would be greater because we realize that we are involved with them and it’s not a burden or a duty, but it’s an honor. 

Now I have to put a disclaimer out there. I’m not advocating that we should lay down ourselves and do nothing at the hands of those who are oppressors who take advantage of those who are vulnerable. I’m not saying that we should sit there and let things like that happen at all. I am saying that action speaks louder than words. Think of Christ on the cross and the redemption that came from that. How much value do we place on the fact that Christ willingly gave it all up for us? He is right all along, but he bridged that gap and made it possible for us to be a family again, with God. 

Thanks for reading and going along this journey with me. Let me know what you think about all this.

The Art of Distraction

I am back. It’s been a week or so but here I am again. Did you miss me? Didn’t think so. So here it is. I’m convicted about something. I need to get it off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. So if this sounds random and partly obscure it’s ok, I don’t know how to say this. What writer discredits his work before he even speaks? Hang it there. I actually do have a point. 

I have fallen prey to the easiest and yet most difficult things to avoid. What if you had something really big happening in your life. Almost one of those life changing revolutionary moments you are on the cusp of whole heartedly giving yourself to. Then time goes by and you realize that you are off course. You wonder how you got where you did. This is what’s happened to me. I can think of two specific ways. The first, is this revolutionary comprehension that God loves people and I am his plan to be his hands and feet to be love and grace to them. That sounds vague but I mean to say that I am a part of his church. And it’s that very reason that I am called to be a reflection of his image and the beauty He illuminates. I’m not talking about being a model for the way I look but rather a model of his practical and amazing love to others. However, in my first specific example I became distracted. I am preoccupied with myself and protecting myself and gaining respect. It’s about overcoming challenges in my life for the sake of survival. I’ve had a horrible time staying focused on others when I am bitter about the situations I find myself in. I got nothing to be bitter about really, but here I am and it’s too easy to be bitter about at least something. 

The second distraction is this, I have not pursued the things I should for far too long. For example, my education. I had no direction at all. I went because I knew I had to. But I had no idea why I went, if that makes sense, or for what reason I was pursuing further education. But here’s the deal, I understand in part this needed to happen, I’ve been out of college for 3 years and still no degree. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everyone should finish college. I’m not saying this is the ultimate distraction. But in my life, I realize the importance of finishing my college education. It’s not to be a maker of lots of money even if it happens. The need I have to finish comes from the overwhelming desire I have to be an instrument, an equipped person, to help others in the dark places they find themselves in and to be an encouragement not in just word but also in action. It’s not necessary to finish college to do that, I’m not saying it is. I feel like I limit myself if I personally don’t finish college. I limit the ways in which I can help be that change and encouragement. 

This is the distraction. I’m three years removed and I can feel as though I’m being trapped. I feel like I’m working to no end. The means for which I work currently is to met the standards of my job and be responsible to the obligations I hold whether it’s bills or commitments I’ve made to others. I feel like I’m working harder not smarter. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and still be fighting the same feelings. 

There’s no guarantee I won’t still. But my outlook currently needs to change. I know I’ve got a story and things unfold as the pages of each day get written, but I also know if I have no direction then I have one stalled and boring story. 

So all this to say I feel distracted when I feel the conviction of just sitting still and yet not actually being involved. I feel distracted when I talk with conviction about the needs in my own backyard and stay inside and avoid getting my hands dirty. I feel distracted when I wake up bitter at my job and the people I feel like  put on a face around. I feel like I have little to give when emotionally I have been running on empty for quite sometime. I feel distracted when I’d rather sit in front of a computer than actually grab some friends and hand out meals to hungry people. I’d rather pray about peoples needs being met than actually meet their needs. What the hell is wrong with me? 

And that’s when it hits. This is the realest way I know how to say it. It’s because I have learned to believe the lies I’m being told about myself. I spend more time watching tv about sex and about self fulfillment whether it’s a better job or a bigger house, than I do in the Word or challenging myself with the harsh realities and the difference the church can make if it truly believes it’s God’s plan to redeem this broken world. 

Romans 7-8 talks about doing that which we despise and yet our heart groans for the love of our Father. It’s been years and God’s got a lot of work to do in me still but now more than ever I’m able to humble myself and actually am willing to get a little dirty and actually love my neighbor. Educated or not, I need to be hands and feet and maybe an ear to listen to someone. 

Sorry this blog has gone on a long time but I needed to vent about how much I hate being distracted. I hate this numb feeling I have right now. I deeply care about people and I deeply care for the afflicted, but I’ve got a thick shell that takes a long time to shed. I’m tired and I am upset. I so badly want to shed this and fly free with expectant hope and actively be involved in this beautiful story of redemption. What would it be like for someone to know that someone else truly knows them and cares for them? What if you knew you were loved unconditionally. If that person didn’t judge you but chose to be with you faults and all. Why? Because they are loved by the very person who is love, that is Jesus. And they see that it’s not a happy little world but rather a sick world desperate for hope. What would it be like if someone specifically picked you to spend their time and affection on? Not that you deserve it but they love you anyways. 

I’d love to see that…why? Because I’d love for someone to be that for me.

 

Sorry for the rawness of this blog. It’s late at night and I’m seeing double right now.