This is the time to…play

Ok, so I’m still working on getting a better title, but this will do for now. It’s been a good weekend so far. I’m in a good spot for the move to the new house. It’s finally becoming more of a reality in my mind’s eye. So come this time next week, you’ll be getting blogs from another part of Gresham, OR. lol 

For now, it’s time to work on Fantasy Basketball. I really enjoy it, which if you know me at all, no surprise there. It’s a good distraction from a busy work schedule and it’s a good way for me to stay in touch with friends who have moved to other state’s. It should be a friendly competition this year. I’m not sure how it will turn out but I ended up in second last year. Looking to improve that this time around. 

Something I’m not looking forward to is everyone around me getting sick. It happens every year, but with the Swine Flu making a visit to Oregon, I’m more nervous about any colds at all this year. I was helping someone last week who had it. I felt bad for her because she looked to be in horrible shape. At the same time, I was surprised anyone would try to get out and about when they know they are infectious. I’ve been able to avoid it so far, but that doesn’t mean anything yet. For those of you who have been sick. Stay indoors and I’m praying you heal soon. Too many cases about paralysis and death for my tastes regarding our “piggy” friend. 

Anyways, I promised to be more involved writing to the few of you reading my blogs. I wish you all well. Hit me back sometime.

Just a little

I’ve got a few minutes to spend with you, my readers. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I like most about this time of year. I know it’s not everyone’s favorite. Truthfully, this is probably the first year I’ve really taken the time to see the beauty around me. Take for example this morning, I’m driving to work along Marine Dr. probably the greatest road to drive in the morning. Anyways, it’s crisp air and sharp contrasts made for a rare time to worship my creator. The sky was grey and a faint mist, almost like a fog. As I’m driving I’m seeing the bright yellows and reds and dancing in between them is their friend orange. You remember those paintings with the woman in a red dress but the picture is black and white? It’s like that almost but was real. I enjoy the smell of the rain contrasted with the leaves and wood during certain parts of the drive. I might be crazy driving with my window cracked but it’s hard not to sometimes when I have a motorcycle and enjoy all senses being involved as I travel. 

I also like the artistic inspirations I get from this time of year as well. I’m not about to paint the Mona Lisa, but I feel there’s more to draw from when I feel the time comes to paint or draw, or even write. 

It’s just a great reminder that God loves us, and shows it in so many ways. It’s a great way to start a morning. Looking forward to tomorrow’s drive as well.

Cooking up something good

So it’s been a really long time since I have written anything to anyone, but I’m back…for the moment. It’s been a long year since I’ve written anything on here. I have changed as a person. I’ve felt many things and most of them have been successes. Thank you to anyone who still wants to follow my blogs. I’ll be more faithful to give you something to read. 

So here’s what I’ve been up to: 

I have been working for the same bank for a long time now. I was at a location that gave me more challenges and emotional distress than I care to remember. I had to literally drag myself out of bed to even go to work. The good news is in May I made a transfer to a different location. This has proved to inject my work life with a little more life. I work with a great group of people. It’s in the Northern part of NE Portland, which has shown to fit my tastes rather well. I enjoy the people that come in, mostly. I work with some pretty talented and funny people. 

It’s begged the question though, what’s next? I don’t know. I have been with the bank a while and I’m beginning to have doubts about the level of involvement I want to have in this industry. Publicly I’ll still push it and rep the bank. If asked to move higher within the company I’ll still say yes. The benefits have been great and the bank itself is a solid place to have as your employer. They have been good to me. On the inside, I wonder if money and finances is really my forte. I know I have other passions and pursuits. I’ve put them off telling myself this is as good as I could ask for. As a result I know I’ve been missing out on the adventures outside high finance. 

Ok, so not that you want to be hearing about me a lot, but I have to get it off my chest. I find it ironic because I feel uncomfortable talking about me in public. So forgive me. 

I have something in mind as to what I would like to be doing if I weren’t with the bank. I want to keep in under wrap for the moment because I tend to speak before I act, and in this case, I’d rather act then speak. I can say that going back to school and finishing will need to happen in order to do that. 

Finishing school has been the one constant nag in the back of my mind. I know it needs to be done. I’m realizing I’m late in the game but I’m also realizing the cultural shift in that I’m not alone. More people are returning back to school now than I can remember before. Someone said that the average age of undergrad students (most likely in a Community College) is 28. So I’m a little ahead of that. I know if I wait too much longer it is a real possibility I would be well in my 30’s before I even finish my undergrad  education. That to me is unacceptable. 

Moving on:

I have the amazing opportunity to move into a house in Gresham, OR. This won’t happen for a few weeks, but this will hopefully spark a new chapter in the layers that are known as my life. I look forward to the change in location as much for the different physical presence as well as for the stability of calling a place my own for the time being. 

What’s on my mind:

I’m tired of being stuck in the transitional stages of life. I’m tired of talking about the big changes, such as moving and school and knowing what I want to do “When I grow up”. I’m tired of being unable to move past those stages in a way I feel good about. This is why I’m taking a more proactive approach and hopefully one backed up by my words rather than using my words to hope for action. Emotionally and Spiritually and even Mentally I feel growth beyond the physical limitations I find myself in. It’s time I work on bringing that up to pace as well. 

Thanks for your prayers. I never want to be someone that comes across as unmotivated or lost without direction, but that’s what I’ve become. May my prayers be for freedom rather than inconsistency. May my prayers be for passion rather than direction. May my prayers be for life rather than limitations. I’m better than that. It’s about time I really start believing that. 

Thanks for listening.

The Reality of a Dream

Quick background: So I was laying in one of my favorite sofa’s in my house and I was watching a basketball game tonight. It wasn’t anything out of the normal. I got really tired, which came from a long week of work and probably the warmth of the house. I fell asleep no matter how hard I tired to stay away. It was pretty funny I would imagine if someone were trying to watch me. Slightly upset that I wasn’t awake to see the end of the game but that has no relevance now. I slept so hard I even had some dreams play through my mind as I slept.  This was different though.

I’m asking you the reader if you ever have this moment I am having right now? It was a dream that literally couldn’t happen, but the significance of it really hit hard. I don’t want to go into the details of the dream as much as I want to talk about the result and emotion I have afterwards. It was one of those dreams that felt so real though. You wake up you really see that there was value in that dream.

Another quick background: I have been struggling with being numb to family. I don’t mean in that I don’t want anything to do with you kind if way, but rather in that I put up with you, and what goes on I couldn’t care less if I had to. It’s a feeling of taking for granted what you have as well. 

So what the heck am I talking about? Well let me get to the heart of what I’m trying to say. I had a dream that freaked me out a little. I’m not going to lie it was the dream you wake up from and you either go “wow that was crazy” or “wow, that’s huge”. It made me really realize that family isn’t a group we call relatives but it’s individuals who equally have a significant value. Their is emotion there when you talk about each person in the family. Some we get along better with than others and others we look at the history we had with them more than the person they are today.  Now I know each of us feels different about family but for me as I get older I realize how much impact I have on them as well as the impact they have on me. 

So here is my flaw. I’m living at home right now with my family. It’s a humbling position to be in at 24 yrs. old. It’s necessary but it is difficult not having my own space to be me sometimes. I can get a little numb. I don’t always accept the love being given to me from them. I’m so grateful to be in a family that loves strongly and I’m also use to the fact that we fight strongly too sometimes. This flaw is the fact that I am looking at the family as a unit not as valued individuals who have given so much to and for each other. I generalize them. It’s so easy to put on a face but when it comes down to it I fall short in expressing in genuine ways that I care and love them. 

This dream threatened  to take away an individual in my family and that person gave it up willingly even though they knew the person taking their life was not reasoning clearly. The nasty horrible part is that I was the one that was the perpetrator. I’m not trying to say I got it out for an individual in my family, quite the opposite actually. I would give anything for them. But the impact was that this person gave up their life at my expense and at the end of the dream it hit that they weren’t fighting back. They did so by choice. 

So lets expand this a bit….I have been struggling with another family. I talk trash about them behind their back because I’m annoyed with them. (This part isn’t in my dream, just that the implication is the same as I thought about this further) I love this family but I don’t relate to them very well at times. They talk about and do stuff that I have no experiences in. They seem a little outdated at times and I pass it off as it’s just them. So lets stop here for a sec. What I just did is I took away something so that I didn’t have to deal with them emotionally. I devalued them and what they say. I put a wall up and said sure whatever. 

Here’s the horrible part…this second family I’m talking about is commonly known as the church. I was called out on this by my friend and an article he found. I strongly suggest reading it. The link is 

http://www.catalystspace.com/content/read/article_kary_oberbrunner/

Anyways, to tie these together it’s pretty simple. My dream hit home when I realized someone cared enough to give everything up despite my ignorance or blatant disregard. I realized how valuable that person was and that I don’t show them enough how much I value them. I got to thinking about the individuals that make up the family and not the label of family. Same thing goes for the church. Once I begin looking at the individuals that make up the church and see the value they have as people, I begin to see more clearly the impact that we can have, not just on each other, but as others look at us. 

And that figure who gave up everything willingly can be a metaphor for Christ but it’s a challenge to us as well. We could try to be right, but sometimes a sacrifice of all we are for that person speaks louder than proving who is right by force. If we see each other as all valued individuals who make up the family (or church), and not as a label, I hope the impact would be greater because we realize that we are involved with them and it’s not a burden or a duty, but it’s an honor. 

Now I have to put a disclaimer out there. I’m not advocating that we should lay down ourselves and do nothing at the hands of those who are oppressors who take advantage of those who are vulnerable. I’m not saying that we should sit there and let things like that happen at all. I am saying that action speaks louder than words. Think of Christ on the cross and the redemption that came from that. How much value do we place on the fact that Christ willingly gave it all up for us? He is right all along, but he bridged that gap and made it possible for us to be a family again, with God. 

Thanks for reading and going along this journey with me. Let me know what you think about all this.

The Art of Distraction

I am back. It’s been a week or so but here I am again. Did you miss me? Didn’t think so. So here it is. I’m convicted about something. I need to get it off my chest before I go to sleep tonight. So if this sounds random and partly obscure it’s ok, I don’t know how to say this. What writer discredits his work before he even speaks? Hang it there. I actually do have a point. 

I have fallen prey to the easiest and yet most difficult things to avoid. What if you had something really big happening in your life. Almost one of those life changing revolutionary moments you are on the cusp of whole heartedly giving yourself to. Then time goes by and you realize that you are off course. You wonder how you got where you did. This is what’s happened to me. I can think of two specific ways. The first, is this revolutionary comprehension that God loves people and I am his plan to be his hands and feet to be love and grace to them. That sounds vague but I mean to say that I am a part of his church. And it’s that very reason that I am called to be a reflection of his image and the beauty He illuminates. I’m not talking about being a model for the way I look but rather a model of his practical and amazing love to others. However, in my first specific example I became distracted. I am preoccupied with myself and protecting myself and gaining respect. It’s about overcoming challenges in my life for the sake of survival. I’ve had a horrible time staying focused on others when I am bitter about the situations I find myself in. I got nothing to be bitter about really, but here I am and it’s too easy to be bitter about at least something. 

The second distraction is this, I have not pursued the things I should for far too long. For example, my education. I had no direction at all. I went because I knew I had to. But I had no idea why I went, if that makes sense, or for what reason I was pursuing further education. But here’s the deal, I understand in part this needed to happen, I’ve been out of college for 3 years and still no degree. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying everyone should finish college. I’m not saying this is the ultimate distraction. But in my life, I realize the importance of finishing my college education. It’s not to be a maker of lots of money even if it happens. The need I have to finish comes from the overwhelming desire I have to be an instrument, an equipped person, to help others in the dark places they find themselves in and to be an encouragement not in just word but also in action. It’s not necessary to finish college to do that, I’m not saying it is. I feel like I limit myself if I personally don’t finish college. I limit the ways in which I can help be that change and encouragement. 

This is the distraction. I’m three years removed and I can feel as though I’m being trapped. I feel like I’m working to no end. The means for which I work currently is to met the standards of my job and be responsible to the obligations I hold whether it’s bills or commitments I’ve made to others. I feel like I’m working harder not smarter. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and still be fighting the same feelings. 

There’s no guarantee I won’t still. But my outlook currently needs to change. I know I’ve got a story and things unfold as the pages of each day get written, but I also know if I have no direction then I have one stalled and boring story. 

So all this to say I feel distracted when I feel the conviction of just sitting still and yet not actually being involved. I feel distracted when I talk with conviction about the needs in my own backyard and stay inside and avoid getting my hands dirty. I feel distracted when I wake up bitter at my job and the people I feel like  put on a face around. I feel like I have little to give when emotionally I have been running on empty for quite sometime. I feel distracted when I’d rather sit in front of a computer than actually grab some friends and hand out meals to hungry people. I’d rather pray about peoples needs being met than actually meet their needs. What the hell is wrong with me? 

And that’s when it hits. This is the realest way I know how to say it. It’s because I have learned to believe the lies I’m being told about myself. I spend more time watching tv about sex and about self fulfillment whether it’s a better job or a bigger house, than I do in the Word or challenging myself with the harsh realities and the difference the church can make if it truly believes it’s God’s plan to redeem this broken world. 

Romans 7-8 talks about doing that which we despise and yet our heart groans for the love of our Father. It’s been years and God’s got a lot of work to do in me still but now more than ever I’m able to humble myself and actually am willing to get a little dirty and actually love my neighbor. Educated or not, I need to be hands and feet and maybe an ear to listen to someone. 

Sorry this blog has gone on a long time but I needed to vent about how much I hate being distracted. I hate this numb feeling I have right now. I deeply care about people and I deeply care for the afflicted, but I’ve got a thick shell that takes a long time to shed. I’m tired and I am upset. I so badly want to shed this and fly free with expectant hope and actively be involved in this beautiful story of redemption. What would it be like for someone to know that someone else truly knows them and cares for them? What if you knew you were loved unconditionally. If that person didn’t judge you but chose to be with you faults and all. Why? Because they are loved by the very person who is love, that is Jesus. And they see that it’s not a happy little world but rather a sick world desperate for hope. What would it be like if someone specifically picked you to spend their time and affection on? Not that you deserve it but they love you anyways. 

I’d love to see that…why? Because I’d love for someone to be that for me.

 

Sorry for the rawness of this blog. It’s late at night and I’m seeing double right now.

What if?

I’m struggling right now. I know there are major decision needing to be made everyday of our lives. In the world we live in though, we are led to weigh certain decisions heavier than others. For instance cereal choices for breakfast drastically pail in comparison to who is going to lead our next generation of Americans into a successful and once again respected nation. Now I made my decision and I stand by it. Am I convinced though of my own reasoning? That’s the question at hand. How can I feel so conflicted? I don’t need to come across as blindly making a big choice by the flip of a coin or bad logic. I weighed out my choice carefully. I put a lot of time into this election.

I put so much effort in it’s got me wondering if I might even pursue something political or government related in the future. Why? Because this year more than any other year have I felt the impact change can have on a hurting nation. I see that there can be hope again. How we get there is the biggest question I have. I feel strongly that each person running for each position cares about the people they are trying to represent and act on their behalf for. Does power hunger get in the way? Sure. Do I feel like we have a presidential race where that’s the case? I’m going to go ahead and say no. I think all candidates feel strongly about wanting to be a change agent for a better America. So what’s the struggle? I don’t know. I’ll be honest. I can describe the feeling of hope and change on one side but question and doubt on the other. At the same time you turn around and it’s true for each side.

If I were running for President I would value people and stewardship of our land as top priorities. Not to sound New Age or Hippy-like, I wonder what a nation based on justice and love would look like. I wonder what it would look like if there was hope for the abused and I wonder what it would be like if we took care of the earth we reside on. I wonder what hope looks like for a family that just lost their house because of bad practices.

I wonder what it would look like if the church got off it’s ass and actually cared about the hurting and unjustly wronged. I wonder what the role of government has if the needs of it’s people were met outside of regulation and “programs”. What if we had the church provide for those needs of the hungry and sick? Can that ever exist? I don’t know. Does it matter? Well we’ll see by how proactive people are in reaching out and standing up for justice and love. Can you picture a country where our natural resources are beautifully kept and we can breathe fresh air even in the city? Can you picture every neighborhood characterized for it’s respect for each other and support for each member of that community. Can you imagine a bigger picture where we live in a society that reaches out to everyone when they are in need? Or imagine a culture where it’s safe to express those needs? Or where it’s safe to be real with each other without implication of abuse or judgement? I have no idea if this is possible in the world we live in today. How can a world like that be in touch with the reality that faces the actual world we live in today? The church. The lazy beast we call a church that God has given up so much for. I heard it said yesterday that God’s only plan for redemption rests on the shoulder of the church. He has no other plan. Imagine meeting someone in the their darkest nightmare and rescuing them out of it. Why? Because there’s beauty in the restoration of God’s creation…restoration back to it’s Creator and loving Father.

It is what it is! Deal with it!

Healing and in Love

What happens when our bodies takes on a cold or an illness? It shuts down things that it doesn’t “need” to put the energy it can into healing the ailment. I have been doing a good job of staying healthy this year…..until now. I just got hit. My throat is sore. My head will be exploding in a few hours. I can’t breath. I’m talking like Steve Urkel right now. “Did I do that?” lol Anyways, it got me thinking. What happens when we are spiritually sick? What happens when we go on with life and not treat that sickness? If our physical body shuts down specific things  but do we have spiritual areas of our life that shuts down? If we were healthy what would we be able to do? Think about it. Would we think about ourselves anymore? Or would we feel the freedom to look past ourselves with confidence and look at the hurting world around us with compassion and experience. Would we be able to use our talents and actually be excited about seeing the results afterwards, not for our sake, but because we are so excited we want to run to our Father and say “Look, see what I found” or maybe “Look Dad, I made this for you” I remember growing up, as a kid, playing sports. Whenever there was a play I made, or I played good defense, I turned to my dad for that recognition that I was valuable and treasured by him. Did he need me to do that for him? No, probably not. But something happens when we invest ourselves into something and look back and find that our dad is smiling upon us. No matter what background you are from, what do we look for as we grow up and even as adults? We look for his admiration especially if he wasn’t involved that much. 

So let’s go back to talking about being sick. It is true that our body heals most cases on it’s own. But it’s an internal thing that reflects on our skin. We aren’t taking our own hands and scooping anything out or performing surgery on ourselves. Same thing spiritually, we can’t physically make ourselves truly healthy. Something is at work within us. It takes a long time sometimes and sometimes it’s a minor cut or bruise. I believe the same happens within us spiritually. Something is at work within us that changes us and heals us. 

Going back to playing on the field, I may have made a great play or something to that affect but if you were to look on my clothes they were dirty, sometimes body, always had a smell to them. My mom sometimes calls it “You smell like outside” In other words, that event was at the cost of torn clothes and bloody socks, but it was worth it. 

Do we need to be healthy? Absolutely. Is it us that makes ourselves healthy? Yes and no. We make the decision to see a doctor. We go to someone that knows our body and knows what it needs to heal. This is the only real churchy sounding thing I’m going to say. but I believe it’s the truth. God loves us. He made our bodies. He made them so they can persevere through pain and abrasions. He will complete a good work in us. In other words He’s not done refining us to be made in His Image. He is the one that heals physically and spiritually. However, even with the torn clothes and holes in our shins from falling down we still have the awesome privilege of his admiration. We can do things to try and please them, but deep down he loves us no matter what. 

So why not take the time and hang out with Him? Why not take the time to soak up his love? Why not get other people excited that they to can find healing? Imagine Heaven where people are healed and together are in community with God. Imagine Him smiling with full acceptance and admiration of you. Imagine he loves you for you. Imagine that all he desires is that you love Him. Truly. Deeply. Love Him.

 

value the valuable::

I was challenged earlier today by something. I heard a convincing argument about people and their “default setting”. What I’m talking about is the fact that if we see something awesome or inspiring we have the need to express that and share it with others. So what’s the point? Why am I taking the time to write about this? Simply put, we need to be reminded of what we share and what we value. As humans, we need each other. If you watch a spectacular game or see a beautiful girl, what is one of the first things you want to do? You want to go to your buddy and talk about what you saw and what you liked about what you saw. There’s an emotional connection made. If you didn’t have anyone to share what you are excited about, you almost feel empty. So let’s get more specific, what is it that we are excited about? And I’m not trying to say you couldn’t get excited about everything. I’m just trying to think about our priorities. In my life, I love the Blazers. I grew up a fan. I have season tickets. I get up about anything the Blazers. If they win I tell everyone at work. If they loose or get injured, I get upset and have to share how I feel they are going to do or what they should do differently. I also get up about music. If I hear a solid band or a sick bass line, I immediately call up a buddy or several and have them download it. It’s how we roll as people. Also why do we have blogs in the first place? We have blogs because we want to share what we are thinking through or passionate about. Let’s take this a step further….I want to challenge myself and anyone who wants to take this challenge with me. I want to value human life and this “playground” we call earth more than a just a side observation. I want to place more value in the things God values. Why? Because I love him. What? Seriously? Did I just say that? Yes! I love my Father. Ok, so without sounding churchy, I mean this. My priorities should be expressed vocally. And after observing what I talk about with friends, I realize I don’t always place value in the things I should. So here’s the challenge….ready? I am at a point where I understand I can’t change what I’m doing for the sake of doing something. But I am realigning myself by allowing Christ to change me. My challenge is to listen to what I talk about and confess it to God if it isn’t honoring him. I simply want to value and place worth where worth should be given. On a side note, I want to share a small experience that happened yesterday. I’m driving to eat lunch with my friends Nick and Jared. I was pulling off the freeway at Mall 205. As I know most people have seen and driven past, there are the “homeless” people on the corner. I’m broken for these people and it’s taken me literally years to humble myself to acknowledge them as humans who equally have needs just the same as I do. So here it is. I’m at the light. I see this guy. He’s looking pretty sad. He’s probably early 30’s. I didn’t feel like money was the answer but I did have something I consider a luxury. I had breath mints. Yup, I said it….mints, it’s small, goes in your month, tastes amazing. I rolled down the window and I offered a new pack of mints to him. He looked confused but was happy to accept the offer. As I pulled away, I won’t forget for a while the smile he had on his face. It was a smile of worth and dignity. It finally hit me. Everyone, no matter what their circumstances, wants to have their dignity. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back for such a small gesture but to simply express the value of that situation. I was happy to be apart of that. I pulled away from that light and had to share that with God and thank him for using me to at least for a second bring a smile to this guys face. His countenance changed that moment. I also had to share it with you because I would love to hear stories about helping people. I want to give worth the the creation God has made because ultimately we will be before him and He’s going to ask what we did with what he was given to us. Are we stewards of this earth? The church has the awesome honor of making an impact in the world. Let’s be the church…and not just sit in our comfy building and drink our coffee. Let’s bring about change and value to what should be valued.

The first of many hopefully!

This is my attempt to enter into the blogging world. I have avoided it thus far because I truthfully didn’t have the patience to read everyones crap. This was until earlier this week when I saw value in a friends blog. I saw potential to change or at least challenge peoples worldview. Jeremy thank you for being bold and real and loving all at the same time. I hope I don’t imitate exactly what’s been done but rather expand upon and spread to you the reader the things that impact me. I don’t claim to speak truth on everything, but I know who he is. I don’t claim to speak and act in love in everything, that’s the goal, and I hope to imitate who love is. I hope to bring a bit of humor to things. I don’t like being too serious all the time. With that being said, I don’t want to be ignorant about what’s happening in my life and around it. I hope to address real practical issues and yet maintain a heathy balance. There’s a lot to be distraught over, but I think there’s more to be encouraged by. I look for the good of things because I know someone who uses all things to be made good for his sake. I claim to follow Christ but I hesitate to use the word Christian. It’s meaning now in everyday life has become bastardized. How can someone claim to be a Christian and not make even an attempt to know who he really is? Therefore, I hope you read this and understand my heart. I want to address life as it happens from the perspective of the biggest influence in my life. That is Christ. I don’t want to be labeled as just another one of those crazy religious people. I want my actions to speak before my words. I want love and compassion to be what I’m known by rather than someone who doesn’t do anything but point fingers at the world yet sits by and does nothing while it implodes. Thank you to my friends and may this be the beginning of hopefully an encouraging and challenging time together in this world we call a blog.